Jarkko Lehmus Diary

Tall Tales Told Short

Hello again, my friends. I've been off the radar for a good while again. Supposedly I've been so busy talking rubbish on the telly and dancing Flashdance in a gay club that I haven't found enough time, or coherence, to sit still for a few moments to write it all down. This fine Monday evening (for it truly is fine, since the next Monday is as far away as possible) I have it in me to sit still, but whether I have any trace of coherence is entirely another matter.

Because I used to leaf through Reader's Digest while sitting on the bog when I was a kid and because The Reduced Shakespeare Company are so cool I'm going to present to you "The Past Adventures of Mr Lehmus: The Exile, The Doorstop and The Giant Hairdresser" (abridged). And so the story begins...

Week One in the studio:

Diana: Hiya! How was your holiday?
Jarkko: Thoroughly enjoyable. And yours?

Week Two in the studio:

Jarkko: Let's do it again.
Diana: Yeah.

Week Three in the studio:

Diana: Let's do it again.
Jarkko: Yeah.

Week Four in the studio:

Jarkko&Diana: Hiya, Ashley!
Ashley: So let's see it.
Jarkko&Diana: Here goes.

Week One in the theatre:

Several gallons of sweat, polish and elbow grease later our anti-heroes enter the DanceBase in Edinburgh tightly followed by the ten strong army of technicians, stage managers, costume ladies, the PR people, the artistic director and the company manager.

Diana&Jarkko: How are we ever going to fit in here?
The Independent Dance Community: How are they ever going to fit in here?
The Audience: Bravo!!!

Dame Diana Diamond after a glass of champagne. ©

Week Two in the theatre:

Diana&Jarkko: Hi!
The Independent Dance Community: Hi!
The Herald: Have an Angel.
Diana&Jarkko: Thanks.

Herald Angels sponsored by Colgate... oops... Bank of Scotland. Photo courtesy of Herald archive.

Day One back in Glasgow:

Diana: I'm really tired.
Jarkko: I don't think we'll be doing much.
Ashley: Let's do 'Pumproom' twice and finish off with '32 Cryptograms'.

For the rest of the week our protagonists were reduced to quivering wrecks watching from the sidelines while the rest of the Company flashed their wares on the Playhouse stage. The week reached it's climax on Friday in the form of the packed-to-rafters first night and the inevitable bad behaviour of the afterparty.

Saturday afternoon:

Jarkko: Damn, the birds sing loudly... I think I'll go for a ride once I can walk.

Via a rather lovely garden party in leafy Leith the man and his lady friend found themselves in the deepest, darkest Kingdom of Fife.

Sunday afternoon:

Jarkko: The bike won't start. I think the battery's flat.
The Recovery Man: The regulator/rectifier is dead. They all do that, sir.

The next week saw a vigorous flurry of rehearsals whipping the mixed bill back into form again.

The Last Week of The Adventure:

Roadsign: Welcome To Aberdeen.
Sarah Diva: Eeeeeeeee!
Mr Daniels: Let's go on the razzle!
Jarkko: Oh, ok then.
Prince Edward: How do you do?
Jarkko: Close to perfection, sir.

(Events not included in the abriged version: How Not To Meet The Parents, TBeing One With The Banana, You Look So Pretty Through My Beer Goggles, Accidental Pick-up, Flashdance, Dolly The Drink Awareness Sheep, and The Attack Of The Middleaged Leech. Details of the aforementioned material can be produced upon request.)