Jarkko Lehmus Diary

It Didn't Turn Out Quite Like I'd Wanted It To

Ladies and gentlemen. Today I have failed. I have failed to deliver a performance piece of five minutes and fifty-two seconds for sixteen dancers in ten hours and thirty minutes of rehearsal time.

The vast majority of the dancers involved are students. It is their end of the year show. It is a big thing in the early life of a performer.

I have been in a situation where I have been cast and employed for my specific skills for such a long time that I feel that I've expected too much, failed to understand the capabilities of my dancers and not supported them enough.

I have one extra rehearsal slot squeezed in on Tuesday to finish the last two entrances and polish the whole piece as much as is humanly possible. The show is on on Thursday. During that singular rehearsal I need to not only to make sure the technicalities of the piece are in place, but also to make sure I inflate the morale of the performers im such a manner that the whole show is a as good as it can be.

As a performer I've always given suggestions and questioned the material I've worked on to try to make sure I, and my fellow performers, understand what we are aiming for and are trying our hardest to make the choreographer's or director's vision to become true. I haven't always succeeded, have frequently over-analysed and miscommunicated. My bad. But I have always tried the best I can and beaten myself up to learn from my mistakes.

I might seem an arrogant asshole at the best of times, but I do care what I do. How do I make that understandable in a helpful manner to others around me is a constant challenge of communication.

In the past I've shunned responsibility and hoped that bad things go away if I stick my head into the sand, but i n my present situation I am perceived as a person that is not afraid of a challenge and gets things done. I have ended up as the Equity rep and the spokesperson for the dancers (there weren't any other takers for the post, and someone has to do it) and I'm trying to give birth to a support network for the injury prevention, diagnosis and rehabilitation all the while doing the best I can to put as much effort as possible to justify the reasons for my employment. I'm a bloody lumberjack working in a ballet company, for crying out loud, but I'll be damned if I don't work my hide off to live up to the trust that has been given to me!

The transformation from holier-than-thou Mr Know-It-All into a humble and supportive human being is a long and slow process of being skinned alive...

Yours truly sings off to vanish up his sorry arse for the night only to emerge like a brown phoenix to fight another day.

Posted by Jarkko at May 18, 2007 01:34 AM