Carole Edrich Weblog

back from the gap

Post traumatic stress is very strange. A normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I developed it a short while after returning from the Maldives where I experienced the tsunami. It's interesting that the deepest impressions were not from the tsunami itself but of what I saw, thought and felt while staying behind to help.

My post traumatic stress was never that bad. Even at its worst most of the symptoms described on the internet didn’t apply. Maybe I’m tough or maybe the act of helping gave a greater feeling of control which in turn helped me. I don’t know, but thought I had recovered completely last year. Despite a cursory internet search on post traumatic stress I hadn't realised that it might recur and therefore didn't know how to work through stimuli that might, if left alone, bring back the state I had conquered in 2005.

Raiymandhoo atol around January 7th
photo (c) Mike Hogan & Carole Edrich, 2004

I think the first trigger was a film. I don’t even remember the title but, in passing, and as a very minor part of the plot it showed a tsunami. After this it seemed wherever I was, whatever I listened to, watched or read, that the same message would be shoved in my face: “If you were associated with the London Bombings and have these symptoms, it’s post traumatic stress disorder and we’ve set up ways to help”.

I felt betrayed. The London Bombings were terrible, my heart aches for the victims, their families and friends and I hold myself incredibly lucky that no-one close to me was affected but that didn't change how I felt. How could the government do so much for those involved with the London Bombings when so little had been done for those involved with the tsunami? I knew this was illogical but even though I’ve consulted for Central Government and know how things work, and despite the fact my doctor told me that no more help was available to others than had been provided to me, I still felt betrayed and ignored. This June I realised that the counsellor recommended by my GP in 2005 had been treating me erroneously for depression and not for post traumatic stress at all. I lost faith in the NHS and resolved to work things through for myself. So I reprioritised my work and decided to stop the dance blog until I had recovered.

In the third week of July another tsunami hit Indonesia and about 500 people were lost. I was completely unprepared for the way I was affected. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back and; already shaky, I became unable to work at all and struggled to fulfil my few remaining commitments.

I’m fine now and have been for a while. A Radio 4 programme on how the mind works pointed the way and I'm now working towards changing my response to stimuli that might otherwise instigate or contribute to the symptoms. My network of friends are ready to tell me if they see anything I have missed, so if such stimuli arise I expect to work through their effects before the worse symptoms manifest.

Raiymandhoo atol around January 7th
photo (c) Mike Hogan & Carole Edrich, 2004

Recovery on its own wasn’t sufficient reason to restart the blog and I waited until two other conditions had been satisfied. The first was one of time management and prioritisation. I have months of planning and work to recover, along with deadlines that could not move, and needed to make sure that all the editors I deal with were absolutely confident in my ability to deliver quality work on time. So I concentrated on doing just that. The second was more pragmatic. I pitch to new editors regularly and most are likely to trawl the internet as a matter of due diligence when they consider my ideas. It would have been professional suicide to proclaim to the world I had been ill before I was well and truly better.

for photos of the tsunami and more comment, see my personal blog

Posted by carole at October 1, 2006 05:34 PM